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Two-and-a-half-minute-fiction ‘Prahject’: Take 51

I know. I know. Don’t even say it. Don’t. even. say it. 

Friends again?

So here’s the recap, readyyyy… GO: I’ve become the official office cat lady. Fallen in love with a J. Crew male model (the one that looks like Paul Bissonette). I’m baking again, read: stressed again. Still growing my hair out. Turning into Ina Garten. Still working on that becoming-a-hockey-player thing. In a committed relationship with the office coffee machine. Have already cemented my butt shape into my new couch. Working on my submission for the latest NPR Three-Minute Fiction contest. And have joined the ranks of the many, the pride-less — the online daters.

online dating, find love, singlesMy “Find Love” button is obviously BROKEN. In fact, my Enter button doesn’t even look like that. And why hasn’t Steve Jobs created iLove yet, for crissake.

But seriously, this stuff is stranger than fiction and it is high time.. HIGH TIME… I blogged about it. So, to give you a true-to-life experience, I am going to take you through five of “my matches” as I encounter them online for the first time. I’ll include their detes, the self-summary of their profile, and some sundry items I find noteworthy. Basically I’m giving you the low down on the rundown I give these profiles in my mind. It’s a real hoot. I skim. I scan. Like any bad reader, I look at the pictures first. It’s kind of real, it’s kind of not. I realize this is cruel. But online dating is not for the feint of heart. Hold onto your hard hats…

Profiles in Online Dating… Courage

1. 30 / M / Straight / Single

“Sum(a:z) below!”

Things of note: Calls Starbucks, Charbucks. Listed parallel parking as something he does well. Made a cliche reference to “living in the moment” and then I threw up in my mouth a little. Says he doesn’t like watching TV, and then lists TV shows he watches. Never drinks. On a typical Friday night he says he is, “feeling great!” but I doubt that (see: Never drinks.) Most private thing he’s willing to admit? That he’s ticklish, really ticklish. Ew. ew. ewewew. EW.

Our match percentage: 94%

My Decision: He’s dubious at best, and “feeling great!” at the worst. Pass.

zero fun

2. 26 / M / Straight / Single 

“Just recently moved to the DC Metro Area… blah, blah, blah, blah (ed note)… I’ve always been kind of skeptical with the online dating thing. But I thought I’d check it out and see if I can find someone to show me around. Also, know that I’m kind of a silly person. So be warned =P”

Things of note: Emoticons everywhere. GTFO. Laughs at his own non-jokes. I am 4 inches taller than him.

Our match percentage: 93%

My Decision: Do I have to say it again?!?! EMOTICONS.

emoticon

3. 30 / M / Straight / Single

No personal summary.

Things of note: No profile at all. No photos. Nothing to “note” besides his details, where I learned that I am one inch taller than him. AND YET… we still have a…

Our match percentage: 93%

My Decision: This high of a percentage with no profile and no photos, makes me want to adopt another cat.

cat lady

4. 26 / M / Straight / Single

“Im computer guy. I like everything and anything about technology. I am also a college graduate(Towson U). I have lost a few people in my life(not all by death) that made me come to grips that life is to short and that instead of thinking of things to do with myself I should just do it… ”

Things of note: Lauds his randomness multiple times, yet keeps talking about computers. Mentioned death three times in his profile. Enjoys the sweet sounds of Evanesence and Linkin Park.

Our match percentage: 92%

My Decision: Two words — Linkin. Park.

well obviously, we have a rapist in lincoln park, bed intruder

5. 25 / M / Straight / Single

“I am a recovering computer science major who is trying to overcome four years of being locked in front of computer screen staring at code. I am a socially awkward goof ball who loves to do things spur of the moment and occasionally without thinking… ” (ed note: like your profile)

Things of note: And I quote… “You can call me the Oscar because I love trash. If its trashy, I love it. Currently my favorite show on TV is Phineas and Ferb.” He drives a bus for drunk kids? That part is a little nebulous. Claims to be wise beyond his years. King of sarcasm *he’s a poet and doesn’t know it.

Our match percentage: 92%

My Decision: He’s from Silver Spring and that’s too damn far. Pass.

phineas and ferb

Now where did I put those pet adoption papers….

 

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Discussion

One thought on “Two-and-a-half-minute-fiction ‘Prahject’: Take 51

  1. I told you I have the PERFECT guy for you…… When do you want to go camping up around these parts?

    Posted by Susan | September 20, 2011, 8:50 am

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