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Hockey, in the news, life of erin, Two-and-a-half-minute Fiction Prahject

Two-and-a-half-minute Fiction ‘Prahject’: Take 36

You know what makes Two-and-a-half-minutes Fiction ‘Prahjects’ really hard to do? Not having internet. It’s been a battle over modems and I think I finally won. My router isn’t so sure.

If you head on over to NPR’s Three Minute Fiction contest, you’ll find their favorite stories listed there are hideously depressing, as was mine, but I guess that’s what you get with mandatory joke telling and crying.

And catch this one called “Bait,” that I kind of love. It’s got this line,

“She hoped she wasn’t that kind of person, but she knew enough about psychology to know that every comic’s humor had to come from somewhere, and that this “somewhere” was rarely well-lit.”

Hell of a short story line. Pretty much gives you the whole “all you really need to know” in a sentence. Hell of a sentence. You can read it in full here.

NPR, Three Minute Fiction, writing

Click here too for the full story.

And this week, my story this week is stranger than fiction. IT’S REAL.

Let me begin by saying, I have the oddest way of getting wrapped up in situations with the Pittsburgh Penguins organization. Exhibit A: Ice Crew Try-Outs. Exhibit B, you ask? The Video Shoot.

It all began with Twitter…. doo do do doo do doo doo doo doooo…

I don't know why there's a 25 in the middle, just go with it.

Last week, I see a tweet from THE OFFICIAL PITTSBURGH PENGUINS TWITTER. DUN DUN DUN.

Twitter, Pittsburgh Penguins(It’s since been removed due to what I’m assuming was an over abundance of applicants.)

It read:

“Enter to win a chance to participate in a video shoot for the Pittsburgh Penguins!”

A link inevitably followed, where I, inevitably, supplied them with all the information necessary to steal my identity including the name of my first born son, should I be named one of the lucky 15 participants. As it would turn out, inevitably, I was.

Sunday morning. Boom. Email. Congratulations. Come on Monday. Wear Pens stuff. We’ll supply the pizza and drinks.

My thoughts at the time? Perhaps Charlie Sheen said it best when he said…

Charlie Sheen, duh, winning

I was pumped.

And do you know what we did for the video shoot? DO YOU? If you don’t want the magic of the production of hockey games ruined for you, I suggest you politely close this tab (and then return again some other time).

Turns out, THE KISS CAM IS CANNED!

Kiss Cam

Like, this, was probably taped 5 years ago. Those people probably aren't even alive anymore and they still use it.

That’s right, portions of your “in game” screen grabs up on that monstrous high-def screen hanging over the ice are FAKE. We had people put in visitors jerseys, we fake booed them, we had girls dump buckets of (real) popcorn on their heads when a fake visiting fan went in for a fake Kiss Cam kisses, we chanted fake chants, we blew (real) fog horns, we had actual couples fake kiss for the Kiss Cam. It’s all lies! Lies.

Apparently they use this stuff for when “games aren’t going the way they like.” Video dude’s words, not mine.

And the worst part? There were no drinks. Only salty salty Pizza Hut pizza. Talk about hell on earth.

thirsty, squirrel

I just wanted to use this picture, but there really weren't any drinks. True story.

Now you know. And if you see me at a game, holding an empty cup of NOTHING, because there were no DRINKS, booing a visiting fan, I’m not really there, but I was on Feb. 28. Get it? Regardless, the CEC is freakin sweet and here’s proof:

CONSOL Energy Center, Pittsburgh Penguins, NHL

*cue angel harps*

And the giant hockey version of iPads on the walls:

CONSOL Energy Center, Pittsburgh Penguins, NHL

And in a moment of dire thirst, I searched the bar for fluids:

CONSOL Energy Center, Pittsburgh Penguins, NHL

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. OH THE IRONY.

So today is definitely brought to you by this girl who I overheard talking to her friend before the shoot. She was talking about the ice girls *giggle, giggle* and said something to the effect of, “… they can’t even lift a shovel. Do they even shovel snow? I do. I do landscaping work in the summer.” I almost turned to her and said, “OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO QUALIFIED.” But I didn’t. I’m mean. Goodnight, moon.

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