Have you ever left a movie and thought, “Wow, that movie was awful. But the soundtrack was pretty good.” Behind every saga, is a good soundtrack, and the LeBron saga is no different. So I’ve taken the liberty of compiling an ‘imprahmptu’ soundtrack for this train wreck. I mean, can’t you just picture LeBron dreaming of his 6-foot-8-inch frame pounding the sidewalk of some mammoth city with “Run This Town” playing in the background?
Which brings me to …
10. “Run This Town” – Jay-Z
But as Bill Simmons said in his there’s-nothing-left-to-say column on the LeBron saga, players don’t sign with teams to win, they sign with certain cities because of the pop culture icons it promises to make of them, because their advertised footprints on basketball history will be cemented. Also had to include this song for all the “to-the-Knicks-because-he’s-BFF-with-Jay-Z” talk.
9. “Poker Face” – Lady Gaga
No self-respecting 2010 soundtrack finds itself devoid of a little of the Gaga. But it’s also fitting because can you believe in the age of 24/7 news his new team is STILL under wraps? He’s not giving anything away. Though, that one-eyed photo he’s using on his website and Twitter leaves little to be decoded. As your Twitter manager, LeBron, I recommend using a photo that really lets your followers see your face. Build your brand, LeBron, build your brand.
8. “Your Love Is My Drug” – Ke$ha
As in every love story, because let’s face it, that’s what this is, someone’s heart gets broken. The lyrics of this songs are the contents of every NBA coach’s pretty little love letter to LeBron. Something like this:
What you’ve got boy is hard to find. I think about it all the time. I’m all strung out my heart is fried. I just can’t get you off my mind.
Because your love. Your love. Your love, is my drug. Your love. Your love. Your love. I said your love. Your love. Your love, is my drug.
P.S. I like your beard.
7. “Telephone” – Lady Gaga
OK, no self-respecting 2010 soundtrack finds itself without A LOT of the Gaga, but come on, this one is perfect. For every coach writing him love letters, this is LeBron’s unrequited love response:
Stop calling! Stop calling! I don’t want to talk anymore.
6. “King of Anything” – Sara Bareilles
When I made myself LeBron’s Twitter manager, one of the first acts requested was to have LeBron stop referring to himself as King, and I couldn’t agree more. King of Akron? King James? I think Sara Bareilles said it best when she said,
“Who died and made you king of anything?”
… and for good measure:
“So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste any more of mine and get out of here fast.” (For you Clevelanders out there.)
5. “Let’s Stay Together” – Al Green
Speaking of Cleveland, I can’t help but hope that LeBron stays in Cleveland. Taking from Simmons again, wouldn’t that be the true challenge of any athlete? Instead of running, to stay and make something of what and where you started? Rev. Green knew what he was talking about, LeBron.
4. “Help” – The Beatles
So, this hour-long “The Decision” on ESPN tonight? I truly truly believe it is LeBron’s cry for help. He’s got nothing but sycophants who can’t tell him no for an entourage. Whether the money raised for this goes to a good cause or not, no good comes of this. The millions, probably billions, who will watch tonight aren’t helping either. It’s feeding the beast. What ends the cycle? Or who?
3. The Harlem Globetrotters Theme song
If you take the documentary crew Dwayne Wade hired to follow him around and make it follow LeBron around, and then you put the footage on fast forward and set it to this song, you get a circus. A 100 percent, bonafide circus. There’s really no other word for this saga.
2. “Waiting for Tonight” – Jennifer Lopez
Because let’s face it, who isn’t waiting for 9 tonight?
1. “Promiscuous” – Nelly Furtado Ft. Timbaland
I mean, the lyrics in this one are just out of the ball park. Where do I begin?
“I want you on my team. So does everybody else.”
“Promiscuous boy, I’m calling your name. But you’re driving me crazy the way you’re making me wait.”
oh, and …
“Hey, is that the truth but are you talking trash. Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash?”
Hook. Line. Sinker. Play this to get you through the day until 9 p.m. Ciao!