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LeBron to ‘apprahximately’ take over Twitter … now

To quote a dear friend: “I’m going to be sooooooooo tan.”

I know what you’re thinking. You, oh pale one, tan? Shouldn’t you slathering on sunscreen?

Maybe I should be, but they (i.e. experts) say 15 minutes a day of unfiltered, unsunscreened, unadulterated sun can do your body good. Vitamin D anyone? Plus I’m eating so many antioxidants my skin is just glowing. Chocolate TOTALLY counts.

old-fashioned Hershey's bar wrapper

of course, I onlyyyy eat chocolate with wrappers from the 1920s. Their antioxidant punch is TRIPLE.

OK, well maybe not glowing. If I’ve told you about my family summer get-togethers before, you know they include family volleyball games. Our Fourth of July picnic this year was no different. And every year, someone gets hurt. This year, that person was me. Behold, the bruises of a backyard warrior:

bruises

my bruises, just livin' strong

Ow. Double ow. It doesn’t help the volleyball net is on our inclined backyard. It also doesn’t help most of the game was two-on-two. It also doesn’t help that I bruise easier than an anemic teenager. Awesome.

You know who else bruises? Hockey players. And it seems lots of them are suffering bruised egos this free agency season. My heart is bruised from losing Mark Eaton. Truly truly loved him. Will always always remember him for his goal in Game 6 against the Flyers during the 2009 playoffs (3:08 mark). Have fun with the Islanders, #7. You were tall and lanky and had adorable blond children. Our blueline will miss you.

I am now following LeBron James on Twitter @kingjames. His description is “King of Akron.” Not fo’ long! I decided to follow him because I, like the other 31,000 tweeters who started following him during a single hour today, hope he will announce his move on Twitter first. Ten dollars says Adam Schefter will find out LeBron’s decision at the same exact time I do … on Twitter. God, I love technology.

LeBron James

Follow me on, Twitter, bitches.

Schefter is going to give himself a hernia if he doesn’t get an answer from LeBron soon. You can practically see him pulling his hair out, bulging his eyes and salavating through his tweets. Like this one:

Never stoop to such tactics but if @KingJames doesn’t DM me soon, we’re going to have to get our friend @MikeTyson after him.

Or this one:

Best tweet of the day… RT @Ian_OConnor: @KingJames. Off the record, which team have you decided to sign with?

It’s like he’s playing a reverse psychology game with LeBron. Hoping James will see his tweets and take pity on him and be all, “oh, hey, Schefter, did you want to know where I’m signing? My bad, bro, you should have said something! I’m signing with XXX.” (All under 140 characters. It’s a beautiful thing.)

This is all to say, @KingJames has collected 121,310 followers in less than 24 hours, and we’ve all been gazing at his single tweet:

Hello World, the Real King James is in the Building “Finally”. My Brother @oneandonlycp3 gas’d me up to jump on board so I’m here. Haaaa

So who’s @oneandonlycp3? Why, it’s Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets. Now let’s do some math. Paul has made 1,750 tweets and has 134,887 followers. That’s 77 followers per tweet. James has made ONE, count ’em, ONE tweet and has 121,310 followers (and growing). THAT’S 121,310 FOLLOWERS PER TWEET. Unreal. I love Twitter.

*Edit: @KingJames grew by 3000 followers in the time it took me to write that paragraph. SICK.

Today is brought to you by Lightning 100, this awesome independent radio station in Nashville that I still listen to online here at home. They play new music before it’s “new.” Take a listen you won’t regret it. Have a great one! Can you tell I got my Vitamin D today, or what? 🙂


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